I said it, finally. I feel relieved. I miss Ban Hong, terribly.
I’m feeling so terribly emotional lately, i cry so easily. I have so much pressure on me now, not any pressure that any regular you may understand. My approach right now its just to keep mum, avoid and avoid. I’ve grown numb to so many things i can hardly believe myself. It has made me feel so afraid at how vulnerable i can be. I’m tired, as well, from all the drama everybody has shown me. I’ve thought so much lately that thoughts begin to conflict with each other. I’ve begin to see two sides of the coin, i’m no longer on my own. My decisions affect so many people i have to make a wise one. Yet, the wait for me to make wise decision is so long and bitter i begin questioning again, why did i even begin this?
My life more recently (1)
Went to Chinatown to helpout with photo shoot./My ever so thick stack of polaroid films./I miss school field./ Asoc Welfare drive: Yami yoghurt./ USS with the family./ Still at the school field./ USS with the family still./ Comfortable gold sperrys to school./ Hercules, wonderful people.
Photo shoot with kwang at punggol park./ Finished a pack of films at val’s house./ Craving satisfied: Prawn olio from tcc./ First friend, joy./ Ikea artificial flower decor in my room./ Valerie Ng./ Meeting familiar people./ Club earlier this year./ Work at ngee ann poly.
I’ve been addicted to instagram recently, I’ll check them every once in awhile because I am a visual person. This holiday my aim is to learn how to use iMovie and photoshop and create visuals. But first, i need to work on some material to work with which i will have it from my thailand trip (hopefully). Is that few tenths of likes on instagram worth you time and effort going through all the editing? Yes for me because i feel assured and happy that people admire my work. I guess instagram is the only app i check often besides whatsapp, or perhaps instagram > whatsapp already because… Anyhow, finished my last second, in fact second, paper today. REJOICEEE! Although i don’t have much confidence in the paper today but i’m glad its over and i’m one day closer to going Chiangmai. I am really really glad that i am able to getaway this december after all that is going on this sem. I’d reluctantly admit that i still need time to adapt to all of these.
Countdown: 2 days to last paper, 4 days to Chiangmai. + a whole lot of awesome plan after that.
Everybody had that little tyrant in them, they want to spoil and destroy things for the simple reason of being unhappy with it. I’m afraid my tyrant is in me now. I have this little voice in side my head, telling me to give up and pursue other things if i am not being happy. Would you do makes you happy or would you do what is appropriate? I have been struggling to make a decision in the longest time. And i n e e d to make one soon as i’ve said.
Have you ever wonder about your reaction when you’re listening to your own conversation with a friend, but in a third party’s shoes? I think i will feel embarrassed. Well, you may say things so matter-of-factly when you’re the person talking but if you think back of what you said, will you say it again? This is especially so when you’re just ranting or bitching. Everybody bitches, i’d be living in denial if i said i didn’t. Just being random i guess, wondering how judgmental people around me are. There is this constant struggle within me. trying hard to express myself freely, on the other hand trying to stay low keyed to avoid these judgmental people. So how long will i take to finally find the courage to do things that i really wanna do spontaneously, i hope it will be soon…
I’d say I come from a pretty complicated family. I would avoid talking about anybody other than my sisters. Mom parted us when I was at a very tender age, and that left me so vulnerable. Recent self discoveries made me realize how weak i am when it comes to certain things. And, how putting up a strong front in front of people make me mentally tired, perhaps make me even weaker in handling emotions. Stay strong even in tough times, something that I promise my mom but I never really fulfill.
Blame it on exam stress, or maybe the bad experience I’m having right now with this relationship, I feel extremely emotional lately. Teardrops stream down my face so easily and the stream would sustain for such a long time. I feel embarrassed not being able to hold back my tears, not being able to face setbacks and criticisms. Then again, the word “blame”… Are they just excuses that I cock up with to cover up my vulnerable soul.
Times like these make me fall back to mom. Each time it happens, I look back and get reminded of the promise to stay strong. It is ironic indefinitely, because I only get reminded of this everytime I fall. And, it doesn’t help if this is recurring every once in a while. All the more I feel ashamed to speak of this promise. While, people pray to God or other deities, I only look up to Mom. Because Mom knows me and only wishes the best for me. Praying is such a hopeful thing, and I only pray that Mom is watching me and answering my prayers. Mom, such a kin, will always be the only one that I can truely relate to and believe in.
THIS, I relate.