Terrified of being alone, yet afraid of intimacy.

Today isn’t exactly the best time to start writing again in this new space. I just had my first paper today, two to go. This time last year, would be my last paper. How nostalgic, I miss college days so much. In any case, I can’t wait to end my finals because it means i’m so close to going to Chiangmai! Getting back on track, I’m very excited to start writing again. Wonder w(ith) me, is titled because i want to be free in the mind. Its tough indefinitely. I would be in a state of nirvana if i could be free in the mind. Anyhow, this should be the space where i can experience solitude, reflect on things and be free to pursue my interest without the fear of being judged. Although I’m betting that nobody will ever find me here but i’ll still try my best to update this regularly with my personal thoughts.

First thing on my mind right now is my finals, I disappointed myself so badly today with the paper that I’m most confident in. Oh sigh, I really do hate the helpless feeling in the exam hall when the piece of info is at the tip of your finger yet you just cannot get it. On the bus ride home today, like any other bus rides with the same heavy heart, i cried. Its embarrassing not being able to hold back your tears. So, this is me. Every once in a while when I’m feeling terrible, I’ll just take a lone bus ride and let it out. Yay or nay? It might be a good thing that I am able to put up a strong front to fool the people around me, they wont care about me genuinely, do they? Why waste all the effort to seek pity from other people. Letting out in front of the people whom i know they care would be all that matters to me. On the other hand, I’m afraid. How am I going to live alone should i go for an exchange? I’m not even strong enough to take a little setback. Its just this self-conflicting issue i have here. So how apt for me to say “Terrified for being alone, yet afraid of intimacy”

Relationship between people is an amazing phenomenon that as i age, the more i don’t seem to be able to comprehend. When i was younger, relationships are so simple. There was not a reciprocity tag to a friendship. Maybe there still is, but rare. My transition form college to university wasn’t smooth one, i had so much expectations that brought along so much disappointments. Relationships between people seem more like a complex thing to me now. Am i just bitter that my transition isn’t smooth, that others have such great fun in university for me to find some of people’s relationship superficial? Or are they really becoming as such? I’ve pretty much came to an emotional lock down, I shut myself out of all their activities, I came up with tons of excuses to shun. And now, i regret. Going to Chiangmai this December is so timely, for a quick getaway to experience humanity at best from people living simplistically in a village. Pretty excited yet afraid of the trip. This is me, again, always not being able to decide what I’m feeling.

// Sitting on a fence too often is never a good things for us. I  n e e d  to make a decision quickly, a wise one.

4 days to next paper

6 days to last paper

8 days to ChiangMai

The countdown begins, I can do this and party lika rockstar after!

 

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